....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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