I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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