I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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