The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
