If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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