Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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