I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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