did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
