I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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