I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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