I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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