i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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