I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
