3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
