At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
