he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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