a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
this is an emotional support booty call
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
