I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
