maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
