imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
