he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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