We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize