The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
