Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
