Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
