he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize