I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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