Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
