We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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