Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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