i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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