So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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