She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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