Tell her she can't have a vagina
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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