I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
