Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
