If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
