i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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