we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
