Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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