If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
