how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
