toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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