I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
