I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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