Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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