I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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