Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
