My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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