you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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