Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
