I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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