I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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