i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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