The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
