why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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