i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
