you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
