Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
