Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
